3 TO 4 YEARS: EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

Your 3-year-old's vivid fantasy life will help her explore and come to terms with a wide range of emotions, from love and dependency to anger, protest and fear. She'll not only take on various identities herself, but she'll often assign living qualities and emotions to inanimate objects, such as a tree, a clock, a truck or the moon. Ask her why the moon comes out at night, for example, and she might reply, "To say hello to me."

You'll notice that, throughout the day, your preschooler will move back and forth freely between fantasy and reality. At times, she may become so involved in her make-believe situation that she can't tell where it ends and reality begins. Her play experience may even spill over into real life. One night she'll come to the dinner table convinced she's Cinderella; another day she may come to you sobbing after hearing a ghost story that she believes is true.

While it's important to reassure your child when she's frightened or upset by an imaginary incident, be careful not to belittle or make fun of her. This is a normal and necessary stage in emotional development and thus should not be discouraged. Above all, never joke with her about "locking her up if she doesn't eat her dinner" or "leaving her behind if she doesn't hurry up." She's liable to believe you and feel terrified the rest of the day or longer.

Imaginary Friends

From time to time, expect your preschooler to introduce you to one of her imaginary friends. Some children have a single make-believe companion for as long as six months; some change "pretend playmates" every day, while still others never have one at all or prefer imaginary animals instead. Don't be concerned, incidentally, that these phantom friends may signal loneliness or emotional upset; they're actually a very creative way for your child to sample different activities, lines of conversation, behavior and emotions.

From time to time, try to join your child in her fantasy play. By doing so, you can help her find new ways to express her emotions and even work through some problems. For example, you might suggest "sending her doll to school" to see how she feels about going to nursery school. Don't insist on participating in these fantasies, however. Part of the joy of fantasy for her is being able to control these imaginary dramas, so if you plant an idea for make-believe, stand back and let her make of it what she will. If she then asks you to play a part, keep your performance low-key. Let the world of pretend be the one place where she runs the show.

Nurturing Independence

Back in real life, let your preschooler know that you're proud of her new independence and creativity. Talk with her, listen to what she says, and show her that her opinions matter. Give her choices whenever possible, such as in the foods she eats, the clothes she wears, and the games you play together. This will give her a sense of importance and help her learn to make decisions. Keep her options simple, however. When you go to a restaurant, for example, narrow the menu to two or three items from which she is allowed to choose. Otherwise she may be overwhelmed and unable to decide. (A trip to an ice cream store that sells 20 flavors can be agonizing if you don't limit her choices.)

What's the best approach? Despite what we've already said, one of the best ways to nurture her independence is to maintain fairly firm control over all parts of her life, while at the same time giving her some freedom. Let her know that you're still in charge and that you don't expect her to make the big decisions. When her friend is daring her to climb a tree, and she's afraid, it will be comforting to have you say no so that she doesn't have to admit her fears. As she conquers many of her early anxieties and becomes more responsible in making her own decisions, you'll naturally give her more control. In the meantime, it's important that she feels safe and secure.